About Us

We provide online therapy to high achievers in New York.


We specialize in supporting high achievers facing a range of challenges such as:


You have questions. We have answers.

From the Blog

Unmasking Covert Narcissism

Upset mixed race woman suffering from bullying, discrimination

Within the realm of personality disorders, narcissism frequently captures the spotlight, renowned for its grandiose and self-absorbed nature. Yet, beneath the veneer of overt and flamboyant narcissistic traits, a subtler and more covert variation emerges – known as covert narcissism. This discreet manifestation of narcissism can prove to be exceptionally destructive and elusive to detect, as its manipulative tendencies and self-centeredness remain shrouded behind a mask of modesty and apparent vulnerability. Embark with us on a journey through the intricacies of covert narcissism in this blog, as we delve into its defining features, ramifications, and strategies for managing its impact or embarking on a path of healing.

Understanding Covert Narcissism

Covert narcissism embodies a psychological pattern marked by an intense hunger for admiration and validation, coupled with a strong sense of entitlement and a deficiency in empathy. In contrast to their overt counterparts who display blatant self-importance and arrogance, covert narcissists project an image of modesty, self-effacement, and altruism. They adeptly construct a façade of vulnerability and victimization, luring others in with an apparent longing for care and compassion. Yet, beneath this veneer, lies a concealed aspiration for power and dominance. While overt narcissists openly pursue attention and praise, covert narcissists employ subtler tactics. Signs of a covert narcissist  include the use of manipulation, emotional coercion, or adopting the victim role to accomplish their objectives. Such conduct frequently leaves their targets feeling perplexed, invalidated, and emotionally exhausted.

Signs of a Covert Narcissist

Covert narcissism possesses a distinct array of indicators and qualities that set it apart from other personality types. Gaining familiarity with these attributes is crucial for identifying and safeguarding ourselves against the manipulation and emotional distress that can be caused by covert narcissists. Let’s embark on a more comprehensive exploration of the signs and characteristics associated with covert narcissism. Some covert narcissism traits include:

  • False Modesty: Covert narcissists often present themselves as humble and unassuming individuals. Signs of a covert narcissist may be downplaying their accomplishments and talents, seeking praise and validation indirectly. They might say things like, “Oh, it was nothing,” when praised, but deep down, they crave admiration and recognition for their supposed modesty.
  • Victim Mentality: One of the key covert narcissism traits is the tendency to play the victim. They portray themselves as perpetual sufferers, emphasizing their hardships and challenges to elicit sympathy and empathy from others. This victim role serves as a manipulative tactic to gain attention and emotional support.
  • Empathy Deficit: Despite their outward appearance of concern and empathy, covert narcissists have difficulty genuinely understanding and relating to others’ emotions. Their empathy tends to be superficial and self-serving. A sign of covert narcissism  may be showing compassion only when it benefits their image or helps them manipulate others.
  • Control Through Manipulation: In contrast to overt narcissists who openly assert control, covert narcissists resort to manipulation for achieving their objectives. Employing tactics such as guilt-tripping, passive-aggressive behavior, or emotional blackmail, they maneuver to secure influence and authority over others; these are all signs of a covert narcissist. Their methods are discreet and shrouded, posing a challenge for victims to uncover their genuine motives.
  • Insecurity and Fragile Self-Esteem: Covert narcissists grapple with a delicate self-esteem built upon external validation. Despite projecting an image of confidence, they often harbor profound insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. The ongoing need for affirmation and attention is driven by the necessity to uphold their own sense of value is a sign of a covert narcissist.
  • Lack of Boundaries: Covert narcissists have difficulty respecting the boundaries of others. They believe they are special and entitled to special treatment, often intruding on personal space and disregarding others’ autonomy. They may overstep social norms and engage in invasive behavior.
  • Idealization and Devaluation: In relationships, covert narcissists tend to idealize people during the initial stages. They shower their targets with affection and compliments, making them feel special and valued. However, as time goes on, they are quick to devalue others, finding fault and criticizing them, especially if their targets fail to meet their expectations.
  • Superiority Complex: Despite their outwardly humble demeanor, covert narcissists maintain a sense of superiority. Covert narcissism traits include believing that they are unique and deserve special treatment and recognition from others. This sense of entitlement drives their need for admiration and validation.
  • Attention-Seeking Behavior: Covert narcissists exhibit attention-seeking tendencies, albeit in subtler ways compared to overt narcissists. They could subtly angle for compliments, engineer situations where they become the center of attention, or employ self-pity to elicit sympathy and support from those around them.
  • Exploitation of Empathy: Covert narcissists are skilled at exploiting the empathy of others. They use their apparent vulnerability and sensitivity to manipulate people into feeling sorry for them and meeting their needs. This exploitation can leave their targets feeling emotionally drained and used.

Examples of Covert Narcissism in Various Contexts

Individuals who exhibit covert narcissism have an ability to conceal their true intentions makes it difficult for their victims to recognize the underlying narcissistic patterns, leading to emotional confusion and potential harm in the relationships. Here are some examples:

  • Romantic Relationship: In a romantic relationship with a covert narcissist, you might notice that the person seems caring, attentive, and self-effacing initially. As time goes on, you’ll likely see their sensitivity to any criticism or perceived slight. For instance, when you innocently suggest spending time with friends, they might respond with guilt-tripping comments like, “I guess spending time with your friends is more important than spending time with me,” or “I’m always the one who gets left behind.” They use a victim mentality to emotionally manipulate you, making you feel guilty for having your own needs and desires.
  • Workplace: At work, a covert narcissist may present themselves as humble and hardworking, often deflecting praise and attributing success to a team effort or luck. However, behind the scenes, they’re quite competitive and desire recognition and promotion. During team meetings, they subtly undermine their colleagues’ ideas while highlighting their own as superior. They manipulate dynamics to ensure their contributions receive attention and appreciation. Their apparent vulnerability also serves to gain sympathy and special treatment, reinforcing their image of being a selfless and dedicated employee.
  • Family Dynamic: Within the family, a covert narcissist often positions themselves as the victim during conflicts, shifting blame onto others. They seek validation and support from family members by portraying themselves as unfairly treated. This dynamic tends to persist into adulthood. During family gatherings, they tend to dominate conversations, sharing stories of their hardships and struggles to draw sympathy. Genuine interest in others’ lives is rare, but they expect undivided attention when discussing their own issues.
  • Friendship: In friendships, the covert narcissist may come across as compassionate and caring, always ready to listen to your problems. However, they subtly steer conversations back to themselves, monopolizing discussions about their achievements and challenges. When you share your successes or accomplishments, they might respond with backhanded compliments or downplay your achievements. Even in difficult times, their initial support might eventually shift the focus back to their own problems, minimizing your struggles. Being aware of these patterns can help you navigate these relationships more effectively.

The Impact of Covert Narcissism on Relationships

The impact of covert narcissism on relationships can be profound and far-reaching, leaving the victims emotionally and mentally drained. Unlike overt narcissists who display their grandiosity openly, covert narcissists mask their self-centeredness behind a facade of humility and vulnerability. This deceptive behavior can make it difficult for the victims to recognize the manipulation and emotional abuse they are experiencing. Here are some ways in which covert narcissism can affect relationships:

  • Emotional Manipulation: Covert narcissists demonstrate a remarkable aptitude for emotional manipulation. Signs of covert narcissism include employing strategies like guilt-tripping, passive-aggressive actions, and assuming the victim role, they manipulate their partners, friends, or family. By leveraging their perceived vulnerability, they seek sympathy and emotional reinforcement, thereby rendering it challenging for their victims to discern the emotional mistreatment they are undergoing.
  • Gaslighting: Covert narcissists might use gaslighting to distort your perception of reality. They could deny hurtful actions, twist the truth, or make you question your own memory and sanity. This ongoing gaslighting might leave you feeling bewildered, anxious, and doubting your own judgment.
  • Emotional Rollercoaster: Being in a relationship with a covert narcissist often means enduring an emotional rollercoaster. They can alternate between being warm and affectionate one moment, and distant and cold the next. This erratic behavior, a sign of covert narcissism, keeps you on edge, never knowing what to anticipate, and making you cautious to avoid triggering their sensitivities.
  • Invalidating Feelings and Needs: You might find that covert narcissists struggle to genuinely empathize with your feelings. They might downplay or dismiss your emotions, needs, and viewpoints, leaving you to feel insignificant and invalidated. Such emotional dismissal can result in feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt for you.
  • Isolation and Alienation: Covert narcissists could attempt to isolate you from friends and family who might see through their façade. They fear that others’ perspectives might unveil their true nature, leading them to manipulate you into cutting ties with your support network. This isolation can leave you feeling isolated and reliant on the narcissist for emotional backing.
  • Emotional Exhaustion: Being in a relationship with a covert narcissist is emotionally draining. Victims often find themselves giving more than they receive, constantly trying to meet the narcissist’s insatiable need for attention and validation. This emotional exhaustion can lead to burnout and a sense of being emotionally depleted.
  • Lack of Emotional Intimacy: Genuine emotional bonds elude covert narcissists due to their inherent self-centeredness and incapacity for authentic empathy. While they might uphold a surface-level sense of closeness, genuine emotional intimacy and vulnerability prove elusive, ultimately leaving their partners feeling unfulfilled and emotionally distant.
  • Codependency: Victims of covert narcissism may develop codependent tendencies, putting the narcissist’s needs before their own. Signs of covert narcissist victims are that they may become overly focused on meeting the narcissist’s demands and sacrificing their own well-being in the process. This codependency reinforces the narcissist’s control over their victims.
  • Identity Erosion: Covert narcissists may subtly chip away at their victims’ self-esteem and self-identity. Their constant criticism and devaluation can make their partners question their worth and lose sight of who they are. Over time, the victims may become increasingly dependent on the narcissist’s approval and validation.
  • Cycle of Abuse: Covert narcissistic relationships often follow a cycle of abuse, where the narcissist oscillates between being charming and affectionate and being critical and distant. The intermittent reinforcement of positive and negative behaviors keeps the victim emotionally invested and hoping for a return to the idealization phase.

Coping with Covert Narcissism

Navigating covert narcissism can present difficulties, yet making your mental and emotional health a priority within these relationships is crucial. Whether you’re contending with covert narcissistic traits in a family member, friend, romantic partner, or colleague, there exist tactics to safeguard yourself and uphold your boundaries. Here are a few coping approaches worth considering after identifying the signs of covert narcissism:

  • Educate Yourself: Knowledge is power. Educate yourself about the signs of covert narcissism, and its impact on relationships. Understanding the dynamics of the disorder can help you recognize their manipulative tactics and protect yourself from emotional harm.
  • Set Boundaries: Establish clear and firm boundaries with the covert narcissist. Clearly communicate what behavior is unacceptable and what consequences will follow if those boundaries are crossed. Stick to your boundaries and avoid getting swayed by their attempts to manipulate or guilt-trip you into compromising them.
  • Limit Contact: If possible, reduce your contact with the covert narcissist, especially if their behavior consistently affects your mental and emotional well-being. Minimize opportunities for them to manipulate or emotionally drain you.
  • Seek Support: Connect with friends, family members, or support groups who can validate your experiences and provide emotional support. Surround yourself with people who understand the challenges of dealing with a covert narcissist and who can offer empathy and guidance.
  • Practice Self-Care: Focus on self-care activities that promote your emotional well-being and resilience. Engage in hobbies you enjoy, exercise regularly, practice mindfulness, or explore therapy and counseling options to process your emotions and experiences.
  • Avoid Personalization: Recognize that the narcissist’s behavior is not a reflection of your worth or value as a person. Manipulating others to meet their needs is a sign of covert narcissism, and their actions are a reflection of their personality disorder, not your shortcomings.
  • Detach Emotionally: Try to detach emotionally from the covert narcissist’s attempts to manipulate your feelings. Practice observing their behavior without getting emotionally entangled in their drama. This detachment can help you maintain a clearer perspective on the situation.
  • Focus on Empowerment: Shift your focus from trying to change the narcissist or seeking their approval to empowering yourself. Build your self-esteem, set personal goals, and invest in activities that promote your growth and well-being.
  • Avoid Engaging in Power Struggles: Recognize that covert narcissists often thrive on power struggles and emotional conflicts. Spare yourself from engaging in debates or attempting to prove your point to them. Rather, concentrate on calmly and assertively asserting your boundaries.
  • Seek Professional Help: If your connection with the covert narcissist is significantly affecting your mental well-being or overall life contentment, consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor. These professionals can offer you invaluable insights, coping techniques, and emotional reinforcement to navigate the intricate dynamics of the relationship.
  • Practice Mindfulness: Cultivate mindfulness to effectively manage stress and emotions linked to your interaction with the covert narcissist. By staying present in the moment and observing your thoughts and feelings non-judgmentally, you can retain a sense of control and inner serenity.
  • Evaluate the Relationship: Take periodic moments to evaluate the relationship with the covert narcissist and its repercussions on your well-being. Reflect on whether preserving the relationship is advantageous or if prioritizing your emotional and mental health necessitates creating some distance from the narcissist.

Recognize covert narcissism traits and recover today!

Signs of covert narcissism may be less obvious than its overt counterpart, but it is no less damaging to those affected by it. Unmasking the hidden darkness of covert narcissism is the first step in protecting ourselves and breaking free from the emotional chains that bind us.  Get help from a New York psychotherapist at Uncover Mental Health Counseling to recognize covert narcissism traits so that you can get better today. Follow these simple steps to get started:

  1. Contact us at Uncover Mental Health Counseling to schedule a complimentary consultation call.
  2. Meet with a New York psychotherapist for your first session.
  3. Start receiving the support you need to recover from covert narcissism.

Share via:


More From Our Blog