If you got engaged over the holidays, or you’re expecting a ring before the new year, you’re in the busiest stretch of the engagement calendar. Wedding planning starts immediately: venue, guest list, budget. The conversations that decide how the marriage works usually wait until later, or never happen on purpose.
This list is for those conversations. These are the premarital counseling questions we’d want a couple to be able to answer, together, before the wedding. You can work through them on your own, or bring them to a counselor who can help when a question lands on a sore spot.
Why bother with premarital questions?
Most couples already know the big facts about each other. What they haven’t done is say the quiet assumptions out loud: who handles money, whose family hosts, what happens when one of you gets a job offer in another city.
Those unspoken assumptions are where early marriage conflict tends to come from. A national study of married women found that frequent money arguments in the early years of marriage predicted lower relationship satisfaction later on, with women who often argued about money about 2.4 times as likely to report lower satisfaction as those who argued sometimes or hardly ever (Britt & Huston, 2012). The study only surveyed women, and it found money arguments were a much weaker predictor of divorce than of unhappiness. Still, the pattern fits what we see: it’s rarely one dramatic issue, it’s the same unresolved argument repeating.
Questions don’t fix that by themselves. They give you a starting point for the conversation, and tell you where you two actually differ.
How to use this list
Don’t try to do all 40 in one night. Pick one section a week. Each of you answers separately first (write it down if you can), then compare. The goal isn’t matching answers. It’s finding out where your answers differ while you still have plenty of time to talk about it.
Two ground rules. Answer for who you are, not who you think your partner wants. And if a question starts a fight, stop and come back to it; that’s information, not failure.
Money (the one most couples avoid)
- What did money mean growing up in your family: scarce, stressful, a source of security, something nobody discussed?
- What debt, savings, and financial obligations (including to family) are we each bringing in? Are we both comfortable disclosing exact numbers?
- Will we combine accounts, keep them separate, or use some mix? What is each of us comfortable with?
- What’s a purchase size that needs a conversation first?
- What does a “good” financial life look like in five years: a home, travel, a business, an early exit from a demanding job?
Work, ambition, and time
- How do we each feel about our careers right now, and do either of us expect to change them in the next few years?
- If one of us got an offer that meant leaving New York, what would we do?
- What are reasonable working hours to each of us? What happens to the relationship during a brutal quarter?
- How do we protect time together when both of us are busy and tired?
- Does either of us secretly measure our worth by output? How do we want to handle that in the marriage?
Family and in-laws
- How involved do we want each other’s families to be in our decisions?
- How do we split holidays, including this one, and what happens when it’s not fair?
- What’s one thing about your family you hope we never repeat? What’s one thing you want to bring with us?
- If a parent needs care someday, what do we think our role should be?
- How do we handle it when one of us feels caught between our partner and our family?
Children and household
- Do we want children? How many, and when? What if we disagree, or it doesn’t happen easily?
- How would we split childcare, and what does each of us expect from our own career afterward?
- How do we divide household work now, and is it actually fair to both of us?
- What would we want to stay the same after kids, and what are we willing to give up?
- Where do we want to live, and does that answer change if children, or a parent’s health, come into it?
Communication and conflict
- When we fight, what does each of us do: get loud, go quiet, leave, over-explain?
- What’s the thing we argue about most, and what’s under it?
- How long can each of us stay upset before we need to reconnect?
- How do we apologize, and what does a repair that actually works look like for you?
- Is there anything you’re not saying right now because you’re afraid of how I’ll respond?
Intimacy and sex
- What does closeness look like for you, physical and otherwise?
- How comfortable are we each talking about sex, desire, and when our needs don’t match?
- What do we each expect around frequency, and how will we talk about it when it changes?
- What would make you feel wanted, not just needed?
- How do we handle stress, grief, or exhaustion without letting distance harden?
Trust, boundaries, and the outside world
- What does fidelity mean to each of us, including online behavior, close friendships, and flirting?
- How much do we share about friends, finances, and each other’s problems with other people?
- What does each of us need from friendships and time alone once we’re married?
- How do we feel about alcohol, substances, or anything either of us has worried about in the past?
- How will we handle privacy, including phones and social media?
Mental health and support
- How do each of us deal with anxiety, burnout, or low mood, and how can the other person help without taking over?
- Is either of us carrying family history, past relationships, or experiences that still affect how safe we feel?
- What would we do if one of us needed therapy or time off to recover?
- How will we know if something is wrong between us, and who do we talk to?
- If we hit a hard stretch, are we both willing to bring in a counselor early rather than late?
When to bring these to a counselor
You can do this at home. A counselor adds most when:
- You keep reaching the same question and getting stuck in the same argument.
- One of you goes quiet or defensive on certain topics and the other can’t tell why.
- Something big is on the table: children, a move, debt, a past relationship, or a family conflict.
- You’d rather have a structured, neutral place to say difficult things.
Premarital counseling isn’t a sign that something is wrong. Most couples who come in are doing well and want to do the next part deliberately. Research suggests that more hours aren’t always better: one large survey found premarital education beyond about 10 hours wasn’t linked to better outcomes than shorter programs (Stanley et al., 2006). A focused handful of sessions is enough for many couples. For a fuller picture of what sessions cover, see our guide to premarital counseling in NYC.
Why now?
December is the most popular month to get engaged, and The Knot has reported that nearly 40 percent of engagements happen between November and February (The Knot). That’s data from 2020, so treat it as a rough pattern, not a current figure. The practical point stands: the weeks after an engagement are when two people are most open to talking about what they want, before the planning momentum takes over. Starting early also means you aren’t rushing through these conversations a month before the wedding.
Frequently asked questions
What questions are asked in premarital counseling? Topics usually include money, family, children, work, sex and intimacy, communication, conflict, and mental health. A counselor will guide the conversation rather than hand you a script, and will follow where your answers differ.
When should we start premarital counseling? Ideally soon after the engagement and at least several months before the wedding. That leaves room to act on what you learn rather than only talk about it.
Is premarital counseling worth it? For most couples, yes, as a low-cost way to surface disagreements early. It won’t guarantee a particular outcome, and it works best when both partners want to be there.
How many sessions do we need? It varies by couple. Many do a short series, and some do more if big issues come up. There’s no required number.
What if we disagree on something big, like children? That’s what the conversation is for. A disagreement discovered now is something you can work through together or decide about with full information. Discovering it after the wedding is much harder.
Do we need to be engaged to start? No. Couples also come in while seriously considering engagement or living together.
Talk with someone before the wedding
If you’d like a neutral space to work through these questions, we see couples at Uncover Counseling in New York City. Learn about our relationship therapy or reach out for a consultation.
This article is for educational purposes and isn’t a substitute for professional care. If you or your partner are in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or visit 988lifeline.org. If a relationship involves fear, threats, or physical harm, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 1-800-799-7233.
